So here’s this Whimsie, her name is “Bessie the Bashful Bride.” You can tell she’s a bride, because she’s wearing a beautiful white lacy dress, and also appears to have some kind of ribbon in her hair. And look at her shoes! In addition to being white, they appear to be high heels! Who ever heard of a Whimsie wearing high heels? But then again, who ever heard of a Whimsie being a bride? This is not something we Whimsies ever think about! But if Bessie is thinking about being a bride, I must say, she is most appropriately dressed.
There is a strange tendency among some Whimsies to allow themselves to be photographed with their eyes closed. Either that, or they simply keep their eyes closed all the time. Tessie talked about this before, and the passage of time has made it no less odd. But in Bessie’s case, perhaps she can be forgiven. Perhaps she is indeed nothing more than “Bashful.” Or, we have to wonder…could it be that all the wedding preparations have so tired her out that she’s now stopping for a quick catnap? They call it a “catnap,” and after living with Mr. Squee, it’s easy to see why any kind of nap would be called a “catnap.” Cats do indeed nap a lot, and when they do, they look most contented. Just like Miss Bessie here. I mean, honestly: isn’t that just the most contented smile gracing her pretty face?
Bessie looks happy to be getting married, and I’m glad for her. If I am invited to the wedding, I will politely congratulate the bride, and graciously give a lovely gift (perhaps a tin of Marzipan?) but I certainly hope I won’t be expected to shake hands with (or worse yet…kiss!) the groom. And why not? Because whoever it is that Bessie marries, there is no way the other side of this union can possibly be up to snuff.
The Wonderful World of Whimsies is largely made up of girls, but there are a few fellas in the mix. Unfortunately, I’ve seen them all, and as the saying goes…nothing to write home about. Unless you want to write to your pesky kid sister and scare the bejeeezus out of her!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that in the World of Whimsies, girls are better than boys. Of the boys, there are only one or two that show even the slightest smidgeon of promise. By and large, it’s a sorry lot. If Bessie has to pick her groom from this motley crew…oh, how I do pity her! (Even though I’ve already given my polite congratulations, because after all, it would never do to be rude at a wedding.)
But before she ties the knot, let’s just take a moment to review Bessie’s options, and when we do, I think you’ll have to agree with me.
First of all, we see Samson, the Strong Man. You’ll notice that this clod is dressed like a caveman. What? Has he not yet heard it’s the 21st century, with a wide variety of attractive clothing to choose from? Why does he prefer instead to dress in animal skins? Does he think somehow that this makes him appear more…manly? But he’s not a man, he’s a WHIMSIE, and as such he ought to be proud of his heritage, and stop trying to be something he clearly is not.
Look at that face! Look at that big ugly mustache, and those half-closed eyes! Is he asleep…or is that his idea of a sultry look with which to capture the attention of some unsuspecting female? Me Tarzan, you Jane. Me?…NO THANKS!
But worst of all (and this is truly horrifying!), I don’t think that’s a scarf or a sweater up there near his neck. It’s sort of hard to tell from this picture, but if you ask me, that is a healthy crop of chest hair. UGH! Can you imagine? YUCK! How is it that this guy thinks any Whimsie girl is going to fall him, looking like this? Wake up Mr. Samson! We Whimsie girls are modern, and full of self confidence! We have no desire to be dragged off into the jungle by our pigtails! I will thank you very much to leave me AND Miss Bessie out of your plans!
Anyway, taking a look at the next fellow, we see that we fare a little better, but not much. This one is called Wheeler the Dealer, and of course he’s MUCH better dressed than Samson, but that unacceptable facial hair is still present. Facial hair is for attractive human men (like Tom Selleck) but NOT for Whimsie boys! Just like Sampson, Wheeler is trying to be someone he’s not.
Well, wait. Maybe he IS what he appears to be. What he appears to be is a debonair swindler. That’s why he’s called Wheeler the Dealer. Because he’s always making deals, and in those deals, he’s always trying to cheat somebody. Maybe he’s rolling dice, or dealing cards, 
in a Las Vegas Casino. Well, that’s all very well and good for humans, but Whimsies have no business playing games of chance! We don’t need to test our luck! We are already the luckiest creatures on earth, by virtue of having been born Whimsies! Why tempt fate with gambling and swindling? There’s just no sense in it.
I dread to think what would happen to Bessie should she choose to marry Wheeler the Dealer. With his smarmy looks and fancy clothes, surely he would disdain her simple ways. I imagine that their life together would be one long crap shoot, as he constantly attempted to drag Bessie into games he would always win with his loaded dice.
Not only that, but I don’t trust a guy who wears a small hat. That’s just…weird. Surely Bessie can do better than this!
So, how about our next contender? How about Zack the Sack? Why is he called Zack the Sack? I think it’s because he’s dressed in pajamas, and is ready to “hit the sack.” What does this say to me? Zack is a lazy bum! He’s so lazy, he doesn’t even bother to shave, and ca be seen with a goatee of lazy man facial hair. It’s not at all attractive, it’s just there because it’s too much trouble to get rid of it! Really!
Samson at least would hunt wild animals to bring home for Bessie to prepare for their supper, and Wheeler would be out all night at the Casino, returning at dawn with his ill-gotten gain, but Zack looks like he’s gonna hit the sack and stay there! Bessie won’t get any sort of work or industry out of this fellow! Surely she would have to go out to work to support HIM.
No problem there, actually, because Bessie could probably get a job as a fashion model (if she would only open her eyes and show everyone how pretty they are), but why SHOULD she, while Zack stays home all day sleeping, waking only briefly to watch Jerry Springer and Maury Povitch on TV?
Oh no! Bessie is much better off without Zack. Add him to the list of rejects.
Now we see another Whimsie boy who on the surface appears to have some potential, but if you start thinking this through, you will quickly see that he is not at all husband material. Meet Zero the Hero. He is a hero because he plays football, and has made plays that have won many games. He is Zero, because 
that’s the number on his jersey. He seems a rather athletic dude, and as we all know, there is nothing wrong with getting exercise and taking care of your body properly. Right?
But in Zero’s case, that is just the problem. Because he plays football, and plays it so well, it turns out that is the only thing he cares about. His entire self-image is wrapped up in his status as a sports star. All day long he works out, and practices football, so he can get better and better, more and more athletic, and live up to his reputation as a sports hero. He must always be on his guard against anything and everything that could possibly distract him from his ambition to be the biggest and bestest football hero ever.
Of course, taking a bride would be a MAJOR distraction. Poor Bessie would quickly fall to the bottom of Mr. Hero’s priority list, somewhere between “Hut! Hut! Hut!” and doing a hundred pushups before bedtime each evening.
Not only that, but there is sure to be more trouble in paradise, should Bessie marry Zero the Hero. As a football hero, Zero is the envy of all, and an object of extreme admiration when it comes to the ladies. Men love to watch Zero on the football field because he plays the game so well. But women love to watch him because he looks so cute in his uniform. Yes, he DOES look cute, doesn’t he? But here’s the problem: he KNOWS it. He knows he’s a hero, and he knows he looks cute, and he knows the ladies love him, and he loves that the ladies love him, and most of all…he loves himself.
A lot more than he could ever love Bessie.
So let’s give Zero a great big ZERO when it comes to true love! And let’s move on.
Here is one more contender, and he’s the one I mentioned earlier that might show even the slightest bit of promise, when it comes to marriage. His name is Simon, and as you can see, he’s ever so scholarly. Yes, he’s a smart one this Simon! In fact, some might say he’s a nerd. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Some of our very best friends are nerds! We love nerds. And I almost think we could love Simon as well.
In the plus column, he’s too refined to drag his Whimsie wife around by her hair, as Sampson would do. He’s also so smart that he doesn’t need to wheel and deal to get what he wants. He understands perfectly how the world works, and is able to make wise choices to get what he needs. And it goes without saying that Simon did not get where he is today by sleeping through class, or watching the Jerry Springer show! Finally, I give him this: with those thick glasses, no girl (except perhaps nerd girls) would think him cute, so if Bessie were married to him, she wouldn’t have to worry about other women trying to steal him away.
Simon’s head is filled with knowledge, and knowledge is a good thing. Every girl wants a smart husband, right? Why shouldn’t Bessie want Simon?
I’ll tell you why.
Because the same way that Zero is totally absorbed in his football career, Simon is involved in the pursuit of knowledge. There is so much knowledge in the world, and no one brain could ever contain it all. But Simon, with his thick glasses and graduation cap, looks like just the kind to TRY to learn everything there is to learn. And that, sadly, would leave him no time for the finer things in his life with Bessie. He would be so busy reading books, trying to stuff his already full head full of even more knowledge, that he would probably forget pretty little Bessie was even in the room!
I will bet that Simon ends up working at a University, as a Professor, and he’ll draw a good salary, and be able to provide everything Bessie needs. Except company. She will be left all alone, flipping through the TV channels, trying to decide if she wants to watch Zero the Hero win the National Championship, or the clowns on the Jerry Spring Show, or (Simon’s favorite channel), PBS.
Oh, if only Bessie had had enough sense NOT to get married! Then she would be leading the carefree life of an unattached Whimsie, hanging out with her Whimsie girlfriends, trying on new clothes, watching movies, eating Marzipan and drinking hot chocolate, watching movies and giggling late into the night.
So, my final word to Bessie: yes, Bess, you look beautiful in that dress! But, girlfriend! Open your eyes and make a smart choice! For us Whimsies, marriage is NOT the way to go. Take a tip from your pal, Trixie: please, please please, don’t do it! Hang up that pretty dress—unless you simply want to wear it for a fashion modeling shoot. But don’t make the mistake of connecting yourself to an inferior man!
Marriage is NOT for us Whimsie girls. We should have boyfriends! Lots and lots of Favorite Boyfriends. But husbands? May it never be!
(However, if Tom Selleck ever comes back on the market…I reserve the right to take up this issue again.)
UPDATE
Attention! Attention! A week has passed since I wrote the above words, and now I have an important update regarding Bessie the Bashful Bride!
Apparently Bessie has indeed made her choice from among the contenders for her hand in marriage. Surfing the internet yesterday I found this incriminating photo, which seems to indicate that Bessie has thrown in her lot with the sluggish Zack the Sack. Not only has she thrown in her lot, but she appears to be positively on board with the lazy lifestyle.
Oh, I am so disappointed in Bessie! There are only two things that might account for this less than stellar decision. One: as you can see, she stil has her eyes closed, so she must still be very tired, and the idea of life with a fellow sleeper was most appealing to her. Unlike Zero the Hero, who would require her to do daily exercise, or Simon, who would no doubt want to her to be reading and constantly developing her mind, Zack has no problem with her also being lazy, and relaxing, and not doing much of anything. Perhaps the pressures of planning for a wedding was so stressful for poor Bessie, that nothing appealed to her more than a life of complete relaxation.
Either that, or he lured her with those delicious-looking lollipops. You know how we Whimsies are with our sweets. And though Zack may appear lethargic on the outside, on the inside he is doubt very sharp and conniving, able to figure out the easiest way to get exactly what he wants.
Well, if candy is all it takes, then Zack has claimed his prize. Now, both he and Bessie can go sleep on that!
But you must admit….they look rather fetching together in their matching sleepwear.
Good luck to you, Bessie and Zack! I hope you have the sweetest of dreams!
